Full of hate

I can’t anymore, I need to get out of here but I still can’t. I hate dark places, I can’t stand them. It reminds me of the gloomy boarding school where I had to spend most of my childhood. With no doubt the worst stage of my life. There I learned to be strong physically and mentally because of the hard punishment they imposed you when you didn’t do something right, it was always the same, they locked you all the day in a dark cement room, without windows, and that made it colder. Without anything, no food, nor a blanket, not even a simple mattress. There you saw no light for twenty four hours. That’s why I don’t like the underground. But I hate being in the crowd even more. It is extremely annoying. It’s an unsafe place, the stress is remarkable and more in prime time, pushings and noise everywhere, the air is hot and oppressive. Why am I so nervous about today’s objective? People don’t instill me anymore confidence, not even my parents decided to leave me in that creepy boarding school. They didn’t even visit me for holidays. Part of this distrust for people is owed to that, no matter how innocent people seem, they aren’t, even a child is able to make you more possible hurt, I say it from personal experience. There you are, Mark, one of the many naughty boys that made my stay in the boarding school a horrible nightmare. You, you are special. I hate you for excluding me from so many things. I hate you! And you better be scared of me. I’m so full of hate that there’s no place inside me for feelings like pity, honor or integrity. You are my last victim because you were the worst of all of them. Those guys deserved their death. I watch you, you’re at the end of the platform, looking at the clock desperately. Why are you so anxious? What are you waitting for? To your death? With every step I take a scary memory appears in my mind. The hits on my ribs, the bruises I had from your punches, the insults that devastated me mentally day and night and especially your words, always kept telling me “you can’t beat me”, then it was true, but the gratest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. And this is what I’m going to do now. I’m standing beside you. You can’t do anything. I’m waitting, but I don’t think I can control myself anymore. The wait is long but finally I hear the irritating sound of the underground arriving to its stop. I’m ready. The lights of the transport blind me and without doubts, with all the anger I kept inside I pushed you, I push you  with all my strength towards the roads. I look like an evil, ruthless, being but it’s not like that, I suffered terribly and I continues suffering so that… I enjoy the screams of people who run out of the place alarmed. I know I’ll be locked up now, but my mind will finally be free.

Aina Martínez, finalista Young Shakespeare 2019

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